For those who don’t follow the news out of NYC, Mayor Bloomberg just passed a ban on serving sugary drinks at restaurants, snack stands and movie theaters in sizes larger than 16 ounces. There are some that have supported this move, while others have vehemently opposed it. Those who support the ban say it is the first step toward combating obesity – a growing health epidemic. The opposition feels that Mayor Bloomberg is infringing upon your god-given right to ingest as many empty calories as you want. It’s a touchy subject. Americans value their freedom of choice second only to their freedom of speech. But even the right to free speech has its limits. You can’t yell “fire” in a crowded movie theater, can you? There’s a very basic idea that I was taught in ninth grade social studies. Your rights end where other people’s rights begin. You don’t have the right to say whatever you want if your words could cause someone to come to physical harm. This is a long-standing precedent. So what does this have to do with your freedom to guzzle 32 ounces of Fanta in one sitting?
Obviously photoshopped. Fatty could never lift a cup that heavy.
Where do your beverage choices begin to infringe upon my freedom? Well, when most Americans have proven again and again that they are unable to eat and exercise properly. When the amount of fat fucks who go to the hospital every year for afflictions caused by their sloth and gluttony starts to increase the cost of healthcare for those of us who take care of ourselves. Let’s say my kid is out riding his bike. He loses his balance and falls, breaking his arm. He’s an active young boy. These things happen. Is it fair that its now going to cost me twice as much to get his cast put on because dump trucks like you are taking up all of the doctor’s time? Obese Americans are stressing the healthcare industry to the point of breaking, and everyone is suffering for it. What’s that? Just banning big sugary drinks won’t fight obesity? It’s not like they’ve done studies to prove that sugary beverages are a leading cause of the American Fatass? Oh, wait. They totally did.
And the opposition? They’re represented by a guy named Eliot Hoff, spokesman for the New Yorkers for Beverage Choices group. Sounds like a grassroots movement doesn’t it? Too bad they’re totally financed by the soft drink industry. OK, so what? He’s trying to protect his business. He doesn’t want people who make soda to lose their jobs. What did you expect him to say? Big soda sales directly impact his bank account. Know who else has a lot to gain from keeping your ass fat? Healthcare professionals. So logically you’d expect them to also be against the big soda ban, right? Nope. In fact, many of them say it doesn’t go far enough.
That’s right. In this rising age of healthcare costs and with malpractice insurance rising, most doctor’s are struggling to stay in business. And still they’re supporting this soda ban – which would do nothing for them but reduce the amount of obese patients they get to bill every year. Guess some of them actually do take that part in the oath about “do no harm” kinda seriously, huh?
OK, I think I’ve just proven that Bloomberg made a good move. Now, let’s discuss how I’d handle the obesity situation. The solution is simple. Of course it’s rather drastic, just like the sarcastic caveman’s cure for AIDS.
Google image search for “Penis Guillotine”. Seriously.
Require all insurance companies to send you for a physical once a year. If the doctor declares you obese and can find no medical reason why you cannot lose weight, you have one year to drop 10% of your total body weight. The following year you need to drop at least 5% every year until you are a healthy weight. If it doesn’t drop then your insurance agency is no longer obligated to pay a single penny toward treating you for any of the following obesity-related illnesses.
Congestive heart failure
Polycystic ovarian syndrome
Gastro-esophageal reflux disease
Fatty liver disease
Chronic renal failure
And that’s how we fix the obesity epidemic. Your sloth and gluttony no longer put a strain on the healthcare system. Insurance premiums drop so dramatically that virtually everyone in the nation can afford to be insured. And you’re on your own. After all, you didn’t listen to your doctor when he told you to lose weight. You know better. Well, go ahead and prove it.
Or maybe you should just be content with a 16 ounce Dr. Pepper and shut the fuck up.