In Defense of Hitler

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On Monday I posted an article about the NYC Soda Ban.  Apparently I hit a sensitive spot because my blog broke the single-day viewing record.  Whether you all were just incredibly bored or had a case of the Mondays, we may never know.  What I do know is that there was no shortage of opinions that came my way – both on Facebook and in person.  One of my oldest friends even told me I sounded a lot like Hitler, advocating that the obese should be rounded up and put into work camps until they were thin.  Not a bad idea Stacy, but not my style.

Now before you get all huffy, I’m not about to defend Hitler.  Not at all.  He was a very evil man – one of the worst this planet has ever seen.  He had no redeeming qualities.  None.  I will in no way compliment him.  Neither will I compliment his wife, friends, or even his dog.  Nope.  Not happening.  He is the only reason I hope Hell really exists.  An eternity of nothingness would be way too good for him.

 At least he – No. Just no. 

Most of you already understand what I’m getting at, but like an aspiring politician I need to explain myself to the lowest common denominator. I want The Sarcastic caveman to be a site everyone can benefit from, even if they don’t enjoy it.  I’m trying to inspire people to become fit by treating them harshly.  I make no secret of that.  There are a million sites out there that will offer you plenty of positive reinforcement.  Meanwhile, obesity soars.  I thought I would do something different.  I’m not forcing my beliefs on anyone.  If you don’t like the way I talk to you, go elsewhere.  I know I myself really just need a good swift kick in the ass sometimes.

As some of you know, I used to be a fat guy.  I never considered myself fat or obese – just overweight.  Maybe I didn’t want to admit it, but deep down I knew it was true.  It took a car accident and 3 months of forced immobility to make me admit how unhappy I was.  I promised myself that once I’d gotten back on my feet I would change that.  I knew I was a smart guy with a lousy physique, so one quote really stuck with me.  “You have the mind but you have not the body, and without the help of the body the mind cannot go as far as it should. I am giving you the tools, but it is up to you to make your body.”

Before.

After. Guess Who?

His father, actually.  You’ve got to admire what the guy accomplished back in the day when there was no internet and most books dealing with health recommended arsenic or mercury to treat syphilis.  You see, my man Teddy didn’t have all the resources we have today, and he still made himself into one of the manliest men in the history of balls.  So what did he have that you don’t?  He had resolve and determination.  That’s what it comes down to, my dearies.  That’s what I’m doing here.  That’s why I call you guys names like “fatty” and “lunchbox”.  I’m the guy who’s going to give it to you rough and hard.

Besides, if it hasn’t become clear by now, I’m really just talking to the guy I used to be.

Slob.

Thursday Links 10-11-12

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Gonna take a minute here to confess something.  Cranking out two snark-tastic articles each week is killing me.  I want to give you people some quality motivation but having to do it every Monday and Thursday has been driving me nuts.  Then last night it hit me – I don’t have to make two articles a week.  This is my blog.  I don’t write for someone else and I don’t get paid for it.  I can do whatever I want.  However, since I still want to motivate people I’ll continue to post new articles on Mondays.  Thursdays will now be reserved for links to other sites and products.  These will range from workout routines, healthy eating tips and recipes, or simply other fitness blogs that I think you might enjoy.  After all, I can call you names and keep kicking you in the ass but if I don’t give you the tools to get to work once you’ve found your motivation… well then I’m going to be the only one getting anything out of this.

Anyway… on to the links.

PaleoTrack.com – A site for keeping a daily online food journal.  Their breakdowns are pretty comprehensive.  You can sort your daily eating by calories, protein intake, carb consumption, and a few others.  Give it a try.  You’ll probably be shocked.

Nerd Fitness Workout Videos – Links to every exercise created by Steve Kamb, the guy who runs Nerd Fitness.  There are over two dozen different types of exercises there.  See which one works best for you.

Reddit Fitness FAQ – A great place to get started.  It speaks for itself.

Primal Blueprint101 – Another great starting point.  Mark Sisson advocates his own version of the Paleo diet and exercise routine.  He calls it the Primal Blueprint.  It’s definitely worth a look.

Roots VT – This is a Wilderness Survival School located in Vermont.  It teaches many old and ancient skills and helps people to rediscover their – wait for it – roots.  It’s not exactly a health and fitness site, but it seems like it would be a great stop along the way to unleashing your inner caveman.

That’s all for this week.  See you Monday for your weekly motivational ass-kicking.

NYC Soda Ban

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For those who don’t follow the news out of NYC, Mayor Bloomberg just passed a ban on serving sugary drinks at restaurants, snack stands and movie theaters in sizes larger than 16 ounces. There are some that have supported this move, while others have vehemently opposed it. Those who support the ban say it is the first step toward combating obesity – a growing health epidemic. The opposition feels that Mayor Bloomberg is infringing upon your god-given right to ingest as many empty calories as you want. It’s a touchy subject. Americans value their freedom of choice second only to their freedom of speech. But even the right to free speech has its limits. You can’t yell “fire” in a crowded movie theater, can you? There’s a very basic idea that I was taught in ninth grade social studies. Your rights end where other people’s rights begin. You don’t have the right to say whatever you want if your words could cause someone to come to physical harm. This is a long-standing precedent. So what does this have to do with your freedom to guzzle 32 ounces of Fanta in one sitting?

Obviously photoshopped.  Fatty could never lift a cup that heavy.

Where do your beverage choices begin to infringe upon my freedom? Well, when most Americans have proven again and again that they are unable to eat and exercise properly. When the amount of fat fucks who go to the hospital every year for afflictions caused by their sloth and gluttony starts to increase the cost of healthcare for those of us who take care of ourselves. Let’s say my kid is out riding his bike. He loses his balance and falls, breaking his arm. He’s an active young boy. These things happen. Is it fair that its now going to cost me twice as much to get his cast put on because dump trucks like you are taking up all of the doctor’s time? Obese Americans are stressing the healthcare industry to the point of breaking, and everyone is suffering for it. What’s that? Just banning big sugary drinks won’t fight obesity? It’s not like they’ve done studies to prove that sugary beverages are a leading cause of the American Fatass? Oh, wait. They totally did.

And the opposition? They’re represented by a guy named Eliot Hoff, spokesman for the New Yorkers for Beverage Choices group.  Sounds like a grassroots movement doesn’t it?  Too bad they’re totally financed by the soft drink industry.  OK, so what?  He’s trying to protect his business.  He doesn’t want people who make soda to lose their jobs.  What did you expect him to say?  Big soda sales directly impact his bank account.  Know who else has a lot to gain from keeping your ass fat?  Healthcare professionals.  So logically you’d expect them to also be against the big soda ban, right?  Nope.  In fact, many of them say it doesn’t go far enough.

That’s right.  In this rising age of healthcare costs and with malpractice insurance rising, most doctor’s are struggling to stay in business.  And still they’re supporting this soda ban – which would do nothing for them but reduce the amount of obese patients they get to bill every year.  Guess some of them actually do take that part in the oath about “do no harm” kinda seriously, huh?

OK, I think I’ve just proven that Bloomberg made a good move.  Now, let’s discuss how I’d handle the obesity situation.  The solution is simple.  Of course it’s rather drastic, just like the sarcastic caveman’s cure for AIDS.

Google image search for “Penis Guillotine”. Seriously.

Require all insurance companies to send you for a physical once a year.  If the doctor declares you obese and can find no medical reason why you cannot lose weight, you have one year to drop 10% of your total body weight.  The following year you need to drop at least 5% every year until you are a healthy weight.  If it doesn’t drop then your insurance agency is no longer obligated to pay a single penny toward treating you for any of the following obesity-related illnesses.

Diabetes

Congestive heart failure

Enlarged heart

Pulmonary embolism

Polycystic ovarian syndrome

Gastro-esophageal reflux disease

Fatty liver disease

Hernia

Erectile dysfunction

Urinary incontinence

Chronic renal failure

Lymph edema

Cellulitis

Stroke

Pickwickian syndrome

Osteoarthritis

Gout

Gallbladder disease

And that’s how we fix the obesity epidemic.  Your sloth and gluttony no longer put a strain on the healthcare system.  Insurance premiums drop so dramatically that virtually everyone in the nation can afford to be insured.  And you’re on your own.  After all, you didn’t listen to your doctor when he told you to lose weight.  You know better.  Well, go ahead and prove it.

Or maybe you should just be content with a 16 ounce Dr. Pepper and shut the fuck up.

How to Finally Start Eating Healthy.

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Today I’m going to talk about food.  Easy there, chief.  I’m going to talk about healthy food.  You see, it has been pointed out to me by some very smart people that I have assumed most of you will educate yourselves.  It’s true my primary focus has been motivating overweight individuals to get their asses in gear.  However, the task of sorting through the endless amounts of bad advice and “easy weight-loss” programs on the internet can be a bit of a roadblock.  So today I’m going to do something I don’t normally do, which is make things a bit simpler for you.  I figure if it helps you start eating right, I’ve done my job.

The most important part of getting fit is eating right.  It’s 80% of the battle.  I don’t care how much you bench or how many miles you jog.  If you’re not eating right it will do precisely dick.  The eating pattern I’m going to recommend is called “The Paleo Diet” by some, “The Primal Diet” by others.  What’s that?  Sounds like a fad diet?  Didn’t I just say fad diets were bad?  I did.  But just because we’ve given it a name doesn’t mean it’s a fad diet.  The Paleo way of eating has been around since – wait for it – Paleolithic times.  It is based on the idea that you should eat the foods your body is built to consume, and avoid the things it isn’t.  Obviously it’s impossible to eat exactly like a caveman considering the millennia of agriculture that has gone into breeding new crops and herds, but your goal is to come as close as you can.  I’ve spoken about this before, so let’s get on with it.

Nice try, jackass.

Here it is in simple terms, divided into three groups.  Foods to eat, foods to limit and foods to avoid.  This is a list for starters only.  As you progress you will refine this a bit more.  Let’s suffice to say the plan listed below is a huge improvement over the SAD (Standard American Diet).  It is only the first step on your journey, but that’s how all journeys begin.

Chow Down!  (a.k.a. These are Good Foods.  Eat Them.)
Chicken
Eggs
Turkey
Fish
Shellfish
Beef (not ground – it’s usually loaded with fat and filler)
All Fruits (limit to one serving a day if you are trying to lose weight)
All Veggies (except potatoes)
Coconut Oil
Grass-Fed Butter
If you can afford it try to eat wild-caught fish and grass-fed meats.  If you can’t, eating the generic forms of these foods is most likely still better than what you were already eating.

Watch Out. (limit these foods to one or two servings a week, max)
Cheese
Milk
Red Wine
Dark Chocolate
Potatoes (exclude completely if you are trying to lose weight)
Wild or Brown Rice

Hell No.  (If you eat this stuff, don’t complain about being unhealthy)
Sugar (in all its forms)
Corn Syrup
Grains (all grains, but bread especially)

Now I bet you’re pretty amazed how relatively short that Hell No list is.  Well, I have some bad news.  The few items on that list are in almost everything that most Americans consume.  The SAD is loaded with those last three items to the point of saturation.  Without realizing it you are probably consuming more than 3 times the FDA’s recommended daily allowance of grains and possibly up to 10 times the allowance of sugar.  Sugar as you buy it in the store doesn’t occur naturally in nature.  It is a concentrated extract of the sugar cane plant.  If you were to simply eat the plant raw you would never be able to consume enough to equal the amount of sugar you normally consume.  That much volume of the plant simply could not fit into your stomach.  But in the modern age sugar is extracted from the plant and condensed into small servings.  What once would have required ingesting a dozen leaves of sugar cane can now fit into a few teaspoons.  And you’re probably consuming a few dozen tablespoons of sugar a day.  Sometime next month I’ll be doing a more in-depth article on America’s sugar addiction.

And what’s so bad about bread? Hasn’t that been around for thousands of years?  Wasn’t it one of the first foods ever invented?  Yes, it was.  Bread has been a staple of the human diet since shortly after the discovery of agriculture.  It is easy to make and contains lots of empty calories.  In short – it allowed humans to stop being hunter-gatherers and start being farmers.  Of course our bodies to this day still think we’re hunter-gatherers.  For us bread is a poor substitute for the natural meats, fruits and veggies we are naturally adapted to consume.  Bread was great back in the day when life was short and brutal.  It gave you some much-needed calories to get through your day of heavy physical labor.  But as civilization and technology improved our need for “quick-hard calories” dropped.  An increasingly sedentary lifestyle coupled with a heavy intake of bread and sugars is now turning us into a soft species, coming standard with love handles and a double chin.  And don’t even get me started on the subject of Dwarf-Wheat, from which almost all modern bread is made.  Let’s just say it has nothing to do with JRR Tolkein and leave it at that.

So that’s how you get started.  As you progress we’ll discuss which fruits and vegetables are the best kinds to achieve the results you want but for right now, we’ll start with baby steps.  Wouldn’t want your fat ass to pull a muscle or something.

The Great Motivator

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Today I want to talk about one of my role models.  I never had the chance to meet him.  He’s been dead for almost a century.  He was a politician in a time when it was still possible to hold political office and maintain a sense of dignity and honesty.  He was born in New York City and you can still visit his summer home not far from where I live now.  He’s ranked by Cracked.com as #1 on their list of The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time.

His mustache has been known to beat-up jaywalkers.

The 26th President of the United States.  The man who gave us our National Parks.  The man who went from being a feeble, sickly child to a robust and commanding hunter.  The man who was shot while giving a speech and refused to leave the stage until he was finished.  If I had to go into battle, he would be my first choice for a wing-man.  I could go on forever about all his achievements, but keeping to the purpose of this article I’m going to discuss just what Theodore Roosevelt means to me.

The thing that has always struck me most about Roosevelt was that he never apologized.  He was a hunter – he knew that at the end of the day that’s all humans really are.  We are physically and mentally adapted to sit at the top of the food chain.  Roosevelt was comfortable being what he was because what he was is what we all should be.  He didn’t make excuses, and he didn’t tolerate them from anyone else.  One time he received a latter from some army cavalrymen who were complaining about having to ride horseback 25 miles a day for training.  Roosevelt replied by hopping into the saddle – at 51 years old – and rode 100 miles from sunrise to sunset.

And he did it on a goddamn moose.

Teddy Roosevelt – being Teddy Roosevelt – could probably whip your fat ass into shape simply by standing in the same room with you.  I know I can’t personally imagine doing anything unhealthy or unmanly in his presence.  Just knowing how disappointed he would be in me would be more than enough motivation to send me straight to the weight bench.  So what does this mean for someone like you who doesn’t appreciate the raw masculinity of our 26th President?  Well, it means if you are going to stay motivated, you need to find someone you refuse to disappoint.  This person can be live or dead, real or fictional.  It can be a deceased parent or grandparent, or a wide-eyed and worshipful child.  Hell, if you really want to split hairs it could even be your goddamn cat.  I mean it – give it a try.  The next time you think about eating junk food or skipping a workout, imagine this person watching you being a slob.

Teddy does not approve.

Now I’m not saying you should use Theodore Roosevelt as your motivational spirit (although you really should). As I said before – you can use whatever works for you.  Teddy is just one of the persons that I use.  I also think about my two little boys who look up to me, and my late grandfather, the WWII POW.  My kids think I’m the strongest man in the world, and every time I take a step back with my nutrition or strength training I know I am letting them down.  And I know in great details what my grandfather went through during the war because a few years before his death the two of us worked together to compile a complete summary of his experiences.  After hearing a blow-by-blow about how he was shot down over Nazi Germany, all my first world problems seemed a little less significant.

Back row. Second from the right.

Of course all this motivation doesn’t really mean a thing to you.  You’re just sitting at a computer reading an article by a guy who does eat right and does exercise.  He’s writing this on his rest day.  You still haven’t gotten up and started making a change, have you?  You’re still reading this.  You’re still reading this.  You. Are. Still. Reading. This.

Seriously? Still?

Fine.  Then just imagine me walking up behind my man Teddy, tapping him on the shoulder, and telling him not to waste his time with you.

Stings, don’t it?